i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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