This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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