girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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