to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
