i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
