the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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