i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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