i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I smell stomach acid.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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