the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
