I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
