If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
