Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
