This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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