you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
