She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
