If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I currently don't understand fingers.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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