Only a mothe r could love this liver
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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