I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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