I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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