I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
