I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
