I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
