I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
