I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize