Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
