I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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