This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
This toilet bowl is my home.
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