when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize