Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
