his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
