I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
