I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
