Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
