Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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