At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
