If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
