Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
