I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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