he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You did what with his pubic hair?
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