it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
the raccoons are back...
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