Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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