overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
