cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You pole danced in your parka.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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