if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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