Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
