just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
