If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
