You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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