enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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