I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
