Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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