i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
