I look better un-naked...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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