Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
