dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
