I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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