dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And then he peed in my hair
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
