'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
